Selfish?

Let’s talk about being selfish…or the idea of selfishness.

For most of my life I thought selfishness was evil. My main beef with people was when they were being selfish, which to me, meant inconsiderate and the opposite of love. So anytime someone chose sleep over something I thought it was selfish. Or when someone would say they need a vacation I would sit there and judge their work ethic.

So now I’m pretty selfish and I love it. Over the past couple years I’ve been toying with the idea like, “Hmm, maybe I can just not go out with that friend and sleep in instead?” or “What if I do take a longer vacation than a four-day weekend?” or “What about not offering to pay for everything all the time?” Little bits of change here and there. I was testing out my selfish muscles.

This year, a whole new self-love has grown inside. I can see how not only was I being totally delusional in my thinking about the term or idea of selfishness but I was actually being the kind of “bad” selfish that I hated so much. I was being a liar. I was a lying people pleaser who hated the idea of anyone being disappointed in me. What would happen if they found out that I actually didn’t want to hang out with them today? The horror!

When you give from a place of fear, scarcity, or resentment, do you think you’re really giving? Is your true self being used as a gift to the world in those moments? Are you really shining your light or have you set up some kind of inner contraption that just reflects the idea of light and love?

There were many times I was really giving from a place of love and excitement but there were many and I mean many times that I agreed to do stuff with people and for people that I resented and struggled with. I just couldn’t say no to others and I really didn’t know how to say yes to myself. When you love yourself you say yes to your true nature, your true desires and your true needs.

What does it mean to say yes to yourself without being inconsiderate of others? This was the question I could never get the answer to. But now I see that deciding to stay in and rest over going to yet another happy hour with coworkers (that usually ends up in a not-so-happy morning) is perfectly okay, no matter who says they really want you to go. That deciding to abstain from drinking does not take away from the experience of other people. How crazy is it to think that if I drink then other people will have fun and if I don’t then they won’t?? That applies to eating, by the way. I can’t tell you how many times I say no, thank you to someone offering me food I’ve chosen ahead of time not to eat and they try to push it on me. The truth is I love myself more than I want to please you and your expectations of me.

This new choosing me over other people thing is hard work. I’m still learning and failing at it every day. I still slip into people-pleasing quite easily but I’m so sensitive to it that I recognize it immediately and I make my best effort to course correct.

What are the practical ways to take care of your own needs and desires without being inconsiderate or evil? Well, first thing to know deep in your bones is that loving yourself DOES NOT take away the love you have from other people. Love in unlimited. I can love myself AND you. It’s awesome. So, when I’m choosing myself over people-pleasing I can say, “Thank you so much for offering. I appreciate you. I am going to do this…” You’re acknowledging their kind and loving offer (to eat, drink or do something you don’t want to) AND you’re saying what you will be doing. It’s all positive. You’re not having to make up excuses that everyone knows are lies anyway and you can both walk away feeling love for each other. That’s the ideal situation.

What happens when someone is not coming off as loving and kind in their offer? What if they’re being kind of aggressive or trying to emotionally manipulate you?

Same. It’s pretty awesome to be so sure in your decision that you can still choose to think, feel, and act love.

Worried they’re going to feel disappointed? Firstly, they are probably not that wrapped up in it as you are. We tend to overthink everything. Secondly, so what? So what if they feel disappointed in you? If you’re honest with yourself and you know you need to take care of yourself first then they can feel disappointed all day long and it has nothing to do with you. Other people’s opinions are irrelevant.

I laugh to myself as I sit here writing this because if I had said these things a year ago I would have shuddered at the thought of someone being disappointed in me. You might as well have excommunicated me. That’s how heavy I made it feel.

I love knowing that I got my own back in these situations. Think about it this way. Say you and your best friend decide to go to a party together and you ask her to not share with anyone a secret about you. As soon as y’all get to the party the first person you see asks about you and your friend blurts out your secret. You would feel betrayed and like maybe you couldn’t trust her again. And then think about if y’all show up and someone asks about you and she says she doesn’t gossip and keeps your secret safe, looking over at you with a knowing wink that says “I got you.”

I want to be my own best friend that has my back in any situation. My goal is to honor my commitments to myself. That comes to eating, drinking, relationships, time management, work obligations, family. I don’t reach that goal everyday but it’s always the goal.

When I am not my true self and I cannot be what the world actually needs from me. That is being very selfish, in the negative way. My desire to please someone else and get some kind of weird validation from them cannot outweigh my desire to contribute my best self to the world at large.

If I am whole then I get to shine my light so brilliantly that the world can only benefit. That is true giving.

 


Thanks for reading!!! I love to hear back from readers. What do you think about this topic? Have you had similar experiences? What helped you the most? Please comment below!


*I do not make any money off of this blog. I don’t get any kickbacks from products or books I write about. Just sharing the love!

Free Your Mind

“Free your mind, and the rest will follow”

We all love that song as a lesson in not judging people because of skin color but those lyrics really stand out to me today for all of life. I have never understood it so much as I do right now. When your mind is tied up in anxiety, stress, and fear, you are not really living your purpose. It’s a slow death. The experience of our life comes from our mind, not the external world. If that is really true, then that’s the best news. I can’t control the rest of the world, but I am in control of my own experiences.

Hallelujah!

I believe we all came to this world into physical form to try out this human stuff, wanting to learn and grow all we can. If we look at each circumstance and experience as an opportunity to learn then life opens up to abundance and freedom. When I look at something I perceive as bad, evil, terrible, I can choose to observe it, feel it out and accept that half of my life experience will include negative emotion. Balance.

Or, I can resist it, push against it, and create even more negativity for myself and others.

I love knowing that I have the freedom to choose.

There are certainly times I choose to feel sadness, sorrow, and cry for the hurting of the world. But I don’t act from that place. I choose to move forward with my purpose to learn and grow. And that does not happen when retreating into the dark corners of my mind hoping to keep myself safe from the world.

Vulnerability is strength.

Opening up to all that life has to offer includes the risk of heartache, loss, physical pain, and even death! I know that I can feel any emotion and move forward. It will not kill me. And when I do physically die, my soul lives on in freedom, moving on to the next life with more lessons learned.

It’s a win-win.

I can look at any outcome as potentially positive because of the growth that can come from it. These are all choices and everyone is given that choice, no matter their circumstances. Yes, even the oppressed, the enslaved, the torn down, the crapped on. We’ve all seen and heard of the people who THRIVE after incredible trauma, emotional or physical. How can that be?

We can all move forward, inch by inch, day by day, staying open, staying loving, staying light.

How are you going to feel when you are looking back on your life and you stayed safe and cozy for most of it? Will you feel proud or will you feel like perhaps you could have risked more, loved more, experienced more?

I think I will regret a safe life. How do I know? Because I already look back at my past and see how I missed so many opportunities.

I think I will be so thankful when I’ve used up every bit of my experiences for learning, for good, and for love.

Without unnecessary stress, worry, and fear, you are free to see just what you’re made of and what’s possible. Stress, worry, and fear are all imaginary traps our animal brain likes to use to keep us safe inside the cave.

How cool is it that it’s all up to you to be free?

“It’s okay, brain. I know you’re looking out for me but everything is actually alright. Thank you but I got this.”

I feel freedom in my mind, body, and soul when I imagine a life fully lived. Freedom in loving people I don’t quite understand. Freedom in putting my true self out there for everyone to see, with the possibility of critique or rejection. Freedom in doing things I never thought I could or would do and seeing just how strong I am. Freedom in trusting myself.

This comes with falling down on my face. This comes with huge failures. This comes with not doing it right all the time. That’s okay with me. I’m free anyway.

 


Thanks for reading!!! I love to hear back from readers. What do you think about this topic? Have you had similar experiences? What helped you the most? Please comment below!


*I do not make any money off of this blog. I don’t get any kickbacks from products or books I write about. Just sharing the love!

Thursday Thoughts

Here are some thoughts and questions floating around in my head lately. Feel free to borrow them and practice them, as I have. They feel pretty good to me!
I can do anything I want to.

Other people can do anything they want to.

I have the power to create the experience I want in this world.

Nothing happens to me, it happens for me.

I love to live my purpose, showing people they are loved and worthy.

How can I add even more value?

What will I do today that I will thank myself for tomorrow?

My vulnerability is my strength.

My willingness to feel any emotion in life fuels my actions towards my dreams.

Worrying about worry is useless.

Anxiety about anxiety is a trap.

Telling yourself you’re not good enough is a lie.

Adversity is a beautiful teacher.

Regret is a lonely companion, you deserve better.

Money is not evil or limited.

Education leads to compassion.

You don’t have to be fearless to be courageous.

Love is never wrong, even when it hurts.

Love and laughter are the best healers.

I am here to inspire joy, laughter, dance, and love.

 


Thanks for reading!!! I love to hear back from readers. What do you think about this topic? Have you had similar experiences? What helped you the most? Please comment below!


*I do not make any money off of this blog. I don’t get any kickbacks from products or books I write about. Just sharing the love!

Food as Fuel

I’ve been told that when I was a little tot, running around and playing all the time, that my mom could hardly get me to sit still long enough to eat whole meals. This may sound crazy since I’ve been overweight most of my life. But I’m talking about before I started gaining weight. My little body under 7 years old was pretty normal size. I wasn’t skinny but I was within normal range. I always had a softness to my body, which would be expected. I remember little Emily getting excited about yummy food but that I would much rather have be doing other stuff like playing, like most kids.

It wasn’t until life got more chaotic and traumatic in our family that I started really wanting more and more sugary “comfort” foods that packed on that weight, starting around 8 or 9 years old. I remember all of a sudden I had a belly. Like where in the hell did this come from?? Friends and family started to make comments, sometimes with real concern, sometimes just plain mean. And then I really started to identify as the fat girl. I felt out of control when it came to meals and wanted to constantly snack on crap. Then the pain of physical play as a fat girl was unbearable so food was way more fun. The desire flipped.

I remember by the time I was in high school, dieting every other month, trying to lose weight or beat myself up trying to work out, I wished so badly we didn’t even have to eat food. I wished we could all just take a pill in the morning that gave us our vitamins and nutrients for the day and we could carry on with living our lives. I wanted to badly to never think about food again. It was too painful to be on a restrictive diet when all of your friends are eating cheese fries in the cafeteria. I couldn’t handle being the odd one out so I ate like everyone else, even though that’s what made me the odd one out as the fat girl.

Now, many years later, I finally feel the freedom around food that I had desperately wished for. Now, I truly consider food as fuel only. It’s as if I am taking that pill each day for nutrients, just eating the right amount of real food for the sake of its fuel. Does this fuel my body? Yes? Right on. Am I just eating because I’m avoiding a feeling like boredom, stress, frustration, or am I eating it because everyone else around me is eating and having fun?

I remember people telling me and reading it in magazines that we should enjoy our food, really savor the experience, to enjoy the whole process of cooking and sharing meals with friends and family. I think that is a beautiful idea…in a world where we never use food to buffer our emotions. Great. Lovely. But when we use food as a drug to get that dopamine release, we have to STOP enjoying food in that way. We literally have to take all the “joy” we get from it to reprogram our brains to not turn to it for emotional comfort. It’s always interesting when people comment on my way of eating with “Well, that’s no fun. What about moderation? You gotta have some joy in life. What about quality of life?” Well, sister, I’d have MUCH higher quality of life if I could shop at any clothing store without a single worry about what would fit. Much higher quality of life to be able to run, play, dance, or paint my own toenails without physical discomfort and pain. Much higher quality of life to not get made fun of or looked down upon like a lazy, disgusting, waste of life. (We’ve all read the internet comments of overweight people.) So much higher quality of life if I had loved instead of hated myself all those years. I have a much higher quality of life looking at food as fuel only. The freedom is glorious. I’m not worrying about what to eat at every meal or feeling guilty after eating a whole bag of chips or pint of ice cream. None of that drama. I haven’t felt “hangry” in the last six weeks. When I feel hungry, it’s no longer an emergency. My body can “dine in” on its own fat until I fuel up later. And honestly, you know how people say that phrase “She could skip a few meals” well I could skip MONTH’S worth of meals and be totally fine. Truly. I’ve stored enough fat on my body since childhood to last a long, long time. This no longer makes me sad. My body was doing exactly what it was designed to do. Store fat for the winter. Well, my body doesn’t quite realize we’re not in the cave anymore. We’re not in Game of Thrones. Winter does not last that long and I always have PLENTY of food available to me at any time. I can have it prepared and hand delivered to me with an app on my phone. My body just doesn’t know not to protect me. It has taken care of me just the way it was designed to do. It’s quite beautiful.

So, now I can look at my body with loving kindness and feed it exactly what it needs from now on, knowing I will always have enough so there’s no need to store anything in my belly for later. I can tell myself “I got you” and eat fuel only. Then the real joys in life come out to play. Then life really gets to explode. The desire has flipped for the last time.

Bring it on, Life! I’m so ready.

 


Thanks for reading!!! I love to hear back from readers. What do you think about this topic? Have you had similar experiences? What helped you the most? Please comment below!


*I do not make any money off of this blog. I don’t get any kickbacks from products or books I write about. Just sharing the love!

Can I Forgive Hate?

“Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do.”

Whenever I would see that part of scripture in the Bible I always thought about it from the perspective that Jesus was asking for mercy for the people killing him but that was such a Jesus thing to do that I never really thought twice about it. As if I could never do that because I’m not Jesus. We’re asked to live like him but forgiving such evil and hatred is not something us regular humans can do. Right?

As I’ve grown up and learned a whole lot about forgiveness, I’m looking at that scripture differently. Most spiritual teachings include forgiveness, but not really for the other person or people, but for yourself. Can forgiveness be a selfish thing to do? Absolutely. I have a choice between hating someone else for the hate they have in their heart or I can feel love and compassion because I know they don’t know what they’re really doing. I feel the feelings, they don’t feel my feelings. So why feel hate when I can feel something a whole lot better like compassion and love?

You might be thinking, okay here we go with that hippy love is all that matters bullshit. What about these assholes who are committing hate CRIMES!? They certainly know what they’re doing!!

Okay, I understand that totally. I have been ANGRY at racism and bigotry my whole life. I have never understood it. I can’t fathom thinking about another person as lesser than because of race, nationality or religion. Or can I? What am I saying when I can’t think of someone as lesser than but right afterward think that the “evil” people in the world are lesser than me because they think those things about other people. That’s not any better.

So, as I see reports of the hate in Charlottesville, and all around the world, I have a choice to add more hate to it by hating those people OR I can believe that they don’t know what they’re doing and forgive them. I kinda like to look at people, even adults, as toddlers. When a toddler dumps over something and stains a carpet, or breaks something valuable, I’m not mad at the toddler. I understand they didn’t realize the implications of their actions yet. They’re not enlightened to the law of gravity yet. They haven’t quite understood the value in those things yet. So when I see people hurting other people with violence and hate crimes, of course it’s sad and of course I hate those actions, BUT I choose compassion. Hating something makes ME feel the hate. So, I ask for forgiveness for them because they truly do not understand their own hate. They hate themselves. They hate their lives. They don’t understand how the world truly works and they are adding to the negative side of the balance of the universe. Can you remember a time you did something “bad” and really didn’t understand how far reaching it would be? And now that you’ve come out to the other side of that situation you KNOW better? There’s a knowing in you that would never let yourself do that again? I’ve certainly not truly known what I was doing as a full grown adult, many times. But now I do.

Again, you might be thinking, “Oh here we go! This girl is delusional. She is naive. She has her head in the sand.” I understand why you think that. But I ask what if more people thought like I think? What if we could reduce the amount of hate in the world? Don’t you think that could solve some problems? I completely believe in standing up for what’s right, kind, and loving in this world. I believe in boundaries and consequences. I believe in taking action, but from a place of compassion, love, determination, confidence, not hate. I believe that the hateful people in the world will certainly attract more hate and violence to themselves. I don’t want to be one of those people. Of course, I wish Donald Trump would/could do something about it but I’ve not had faith in that toddler since the beginning so why would I expect him to change overnight? Donald Trump cannot fix this issue. We had these issues way before he became our president. These are individual issues stemming from our own misunderstanding of the world, of other cultures, of other races, whose flames have been fueled by more hate and misguided thinking.  

We have the power to decide how we show up in the world. Let’s decide to love instead.

Speak love, seek love, be love, and act from love.

Love, love, love.

 


Thanks for reading!!! I love to hear back from readers. What do you think about this topic? Have you had similar experiences? What helped you the most? Please comment below!


*I do not make any money off of this blog. I don’t get any kickbacks from products or books I write about. Just sharing the love!

My Little Thyroid

I had my 6-month follow up with my endocrinologist to see how the new thyroid meds worked on my hypothyroidism. Even though my thyroid still isn’t functioning properly and I need to start a higher dose, she was very impressed with my weight loss. I explained what I was doing (no sugar/no flour and intermittent fasting). She said she usually doesn’t suggest low/no carb because “it’s not sustainable” but agrees that it does work. I just said “Yep, it’s not sustainable if you decide to go back to eating the sugar and flour but I’m done with it so it’s easy.” I explained to her how it’s like if you were to put a pack of cigarettes in front of me and said that I couldn’t have any. It wouldn’t bother me at all because I just don’t smoke cigarettes. It’s just a decision that I stick to. She just stared at me blankly. It was as if she had never heard of a patient just making a decision before. I love when people tell me that the improvements I’ve been making are not sustainable…as if the life I was living before was?

Even though I could have taken the thyroid result and turned it into “there’s something wrong with me” or “I’m broken”, I’m so used to the new mindset I’ve been working on in my coaching program for the last six months that I didn’t have a single negative thought about it. I just observed that my little thyroid needs extra help. I’m also not using my thyroid as an excuse to stay overweight as I have in years past. “Oh well of course I’m fat, I have hypothyroidism.” Not anymore!

I have never left a doctor appointment feeling so good about myself when I got a “negative” result. In fact, just before I found this endocrinologist, I went to a different one. I left that office feeling the worst I had in a long time. I had let her make me feel so badly about myself. She tried to use scare tactics and run all these tests on me (probably trying to run up my insurance) and say I probably have thyroid cancer and liver disease, just by looking at me. I felt so broken. I thought that I had finally done myself in. I hated myself. I had begun to learn about really managing my thoughts and emotions but had not practiced it enough to not go into a downward spiral. And so when I went to my new doctor, she ran all the same tests and showed me how I do not have thyroid cancer or liver disease. No diabetes, not even close. I’m actually quite healthy! I just need some help with my thyroid levels. Not a big deal. I still felt broken but started to feel hopeful.

It’s times like these that I’m so truly thankful for the work I’ve been doing in my life. I can now decide to think the thoughts that best serve me and create emotions that I want to feel, while noticing what naturally comes up and feeling it all out, negative or positive. I’ve heard people make a few comments about how they don’t want to be robots and not have emotions. This work is not about not feeling emotions but actually really feeling them. You don’t feel your feelings when you over drink or overeat or gossip or watch porn or binge on Netflix. You’re just covering them up. I’m deciding to feel it all out and know that I have the power to redirect my thoughts at any time, if I want to. Sometimes I choose to let myself feel sad about something. Otherwise I would be a sociopath.

I can decide if the doctor is giving me “bad news” or just news. The facts are my little thyroid needs some help. So, I got a new prescription. That’s it. I can be grateful for modern medicine and move on with my life. I am not broken.

Today I choose to think, “My body is a wonderful universe of miracles and it gives me beautiful experiences in this life.” That feels amazing.

What thoughts/emotions are you creating?

 


Thanks for reading!!! I love to hear back from readers. What do you think about this topic? Have you had similar experiences? What helped you the most? Please comment below!


*I do not make any money off of this blog. I don’t get any kickbacks from products or books I write about. Just sharing the love!

My mother, my best friend.

Today, I realized my mom is my best friend. I couldn’t feel more lucky to have her in my life. The last few conversations with her have included her telling me that she loves me, that she’s proud of me, that she believes in me and all of my desires. Could it get any better than that?

 

A little while back I decided to just mother myself the way I thought she should have throughout my childhood. I decided that I would love myself unconditionally. That I would believe in myself and my dreams. That I would be proud of myself every day.

 

Turns out I always was mothered like that by my own mom! No matter what I thought she should have done or said throughout my life, she has always loved who I was. She’s never criticized or judged my lifestyle. She’s never demanded I go out and live my life a certain way to make her happy. She’s never told me I was an embarrassment to the family. She’s always had my back when I’ve felt alone in the world. When I’m hurting, emotionally or physically, she’s the one I want to call. When all hell breaks loose in my world, I want her to know, not so she can fix it but so she can just simply love me through it.

 

A few years ago, I could not have imagined saying any of this because I was choosing to think certain thoughts about my childhood, my young adulthood and her own life. She’s changed and grown in certain ways, but not because I changed her. She’s transforming her own life because she wants to. I’m lucky enough to witness it. We’re both able to see each other move gracefully through the world, growing, changing, being challenged. When I released all the ideas of what she should do in order to make me feel a certain way, I let her be who she is, which is perfect, I get to just enjoy her.

 

It’s simply beautiful.

 


Thanks for reading!!! I love to hear back from readers. What do you think about this topic? Have you had similar experiences? What helped you the most? Please comment below!


*I do not make any money off of this blog. I don’t get any kickbacks from products or books I write about. Just sharing the love!