Half Light, Half Darkness

I was thinking about how I’m so ready for cold weather which lead me to remember this past Christmas that I spent in Colorado, and how with the cold comes dry skin and sniffles. Why do I want the cold weather so badly when I hated how my skin was after a day of skiing? I miss the thrill of being so cold and the getting warm afterwards. Do you know what I mean?

Then it got me thinking about how we will lay out by the pool in July, getting super hot and sweaty so that when we dip into the pool it’s even more exhilaratingly cold.

It’s not that I so much enjoy being hot or cold but it’s the thrill of the relief of each. As much as I think I would love to live in 75 and sunny every day, I know it would get kinda boring without any variety. The cool breeze and warm sunshine wouldn’t be as amazing if there weren’t any cold and rainy days. 

What if this is like how in life we experience some super sadness as well has the highest bliss? We can’t have one without the other. Life will never be 100% sadness or 100% bliss. It’s balanced by each other like yin and yang, dark and light, Winter and Summer. Where we add onto the dark half with more suffering is when we think we should have 100% bliss. When we think we shouldn’t experience pain, sadness, anxiety, grief, loneliness. When we try to protect ourselves and our loved ones from ever hurting or feeling scared. It makes sense that our brains would tell us to protect ourselves and stay alive, of course, but in order to evolve we must push past our comfort level. In order to experience the light we have to know what darkness is.

I think about how my mom used to describe giving birth to me. Her eyes would light up. She says she can remember the pain so vividly and how when you’re in labor the pain makes you think you’re going to die but as soon as the baby comes, not only does the pain just go away but there’s this surge of joy never experienced before. For her, the pain is worth it and she would do it over and over to be able to experience the joy of her daughters.

It’s hard to see so much pain in the world. It breaks my heart into a million pieces when I see homelessness, hunger, illness, disease, murder, but I know it’s all part of it. I can act from a place of love and compassion to help and be a part of the solution but it will serve no one if I act from a place of scarcity, fear, anger and anxiety, thinking “this should never happen.”

You might be thinking, “How could she say that? Does that mean murder SHOULD happen!?”

Of course not. I would never wish for evil things to happen…I just know that they will. Me saying they should not happen does not stop them from happening. So my sadness is for the thing that happened but not for sadness itself. I don’t want to add onto the pain with more grief and despair for the world. I acknowledge and grieve for what’s happening AND continue to believe the world is full of beauty and wonder as well. Otherwise, being such a sensitive empathic person, I will fall into a pit of darkness. It’s way too easy for me to go down that road so I continue to look for the light. Where’s the beauty? Where’s the joy? I want to live fully and authentically and that comes with both sides of the coin, both extremes of emotion and everything in between.

I am sending love and light to the world today and every day. My hope is that you can take the time to grieve any loss you’re experiencing, move through the pain, and then turn your face up towards the light of the world, whatever that looks like for you, however long it takes. 

Love, love, love.

Me and You

At this point I feel like I can talk about a lot of personal stuff in my life without getting too embarrassed. I’ve come to understand how we all go through the same things, just different flavors of it. However, there is one thing I’ve made myself believe is too much to share…so here goes! I have a true desire to find my person. For the last couple of years I’ve tried very hard to stifle this desire and to actively harden my heart so that I wouldn’t have to feel the desire and not be able to control that outcome or work any harder towards it, like I can with so many other desires. I tried to be the “cool girl” and be fine with casual dating and not ever saying the supposed dirty word “relationship” around guys in fear of them thinking I wanted to get married today or that I would try to trap them. Neither are true, by the way.

So through my self-exploration and self-coaching, I understand that being vulnerable and willing to feel all of the emotions that come up is what it means to live the human experience and that part of my life is going to feel like crap. It’s okay for me to have a desire to build a life with someone and not have that someone here yet. It’s okay for me to want somebody to love while I’m loving myself. There will be times of loneliness and it’s okay to feel it out.

While opening myself up to this idea I’ve been feeling this emotion of missing someone whom I haven’t even met yet. It’s hard to describe. We tend to miss past boyfriends and lovers, even though we know the relationship transitioned for a purpose, and remember the beautiful feelings we had with them. I’m feeling more than that though. I’m embracing the full wanting and full not-knowingness of it all. It’s knowing deep in my heart that my desires are a compass to my self-actualization and my purpose here on Earth, and being okay with not having them fulfilled just yet. With this new openness a little poem came out of me. I haven’t written any poetry in years. I suppose it’s a simple love letter to my person, wherever he is, and the kind of life I both long for and “miss” with him.

 

Me and You

coffee and books

crannies and nooks

photos and frames

candles and flames

warm towels and baths

whispers and laughs

songs and road trips

hugs and fingertips

sweat and skin

raindrops and tin

friends and dance floors

family and seashores

chakras and stones

muscles and bones

elephants and dogs

travel and blogs

crafts and arts

stops and starts

beards and white tees

lashes and worn jeans

mornings and flowers

evenings and hot showers

truths and dares

kisses and stares

golds and browns

ups and downs

pinks and blues

mountain tops and views

births and deaths

tears and deep breaths

tried and true

me and you

Onward and Upward!

Years ago, my Aunt Terri was telling me about a quote she read from a book, something about “if you’re not going up, you’re doing down” and it stuck with me. During that period of time I was definitely in growth mode, trying to learn everything I could about life, love, and dance.

The past three years, however, I went through this period of an illusion of going up, in my “career”, but turns out that my loyalty and devotion to a company isn’t always rewarded in turn as expected. I had ignored myself personally so I could be the best Office Manager there was and then when I moved “up” into an HR role I gave of myself even more, even when I didn’t think it was possible. I was getting paid more, given more responsibility, and without any direction from my manager whatsoever I was on my own, navigating my professional career. I had no idea what I was really doing because I wasn’t listening to myself at all. Personally, I was going down. Way down.

I floundered from plan to plan trying to figure out what my purpose was. Do I go back to school and get this degree or that one? Do I get more certifications in HR? Do I just sell everything and go to school in Germany?  Do I just move to Mexico and live on a beach? Do I go get a real estate license?

None of these things truly spoke to my heart and soul. I couldn’t hear. I couldn’t see. I couldn’t feel.

I just knew I had to get out of this space of chaos.

I had recently learned that it’s best to learn to be happy no matter where you are, relationship, workplace, etc. before you make a move. Otherwise, you will always be searching for happiness outside of yourself.

So I worked on my happiness. I started my self-coaching program. I found inner happiness, inner peace, and inner truth.

I began my search for other jobs.

And as beautifully as I knew the Universe works in my favor, I wouldn’t have expected the next turn of events. The day I had my first in person interview scheduled with a new company was the day three dozen employees, including me, got laid off.

Well, that solves that!

I was sad for about 10 whole minutes when I got home unusually early from work that morning. Charlie was happy!

I knew that this was for me, not against me, and that I had to get my mind right for my interview that afternoon.

I could not have planned or worked out more perfectly how the following three weeks proceeded, how I got the job, when I started the job or how I was then given the beautiful gift of my new manager. Truly a breath of fresh air to have a competent, compassionate, and super smart lady to report to. Not only is this position something I can easily do but she wants me to learn and grow both professionally AND personally. There’s time and room here for me to focus on me…not just keeping employees well fed and caffeinated at the expense of my own well-being.

During these few months of chaos-free, stress-free, and anxiety-free living, I can finally hear myself. I can see more clearly now. I can feel who I really am.

And things are just falling into place. As I open up to truly living more and more each day I feel like I’m finally on my way back up. I’ve cleared the stagnant waters, washed clean, and filled up with an abundant flow of energy. My passions for wellness, massage, yoga, and dance have all been re-ignited. It feels so amazing.

I’m a new sponge, soaking up more and more knowledge and experience, and I just love the idea of sharing these insights and gifts with other people seeking change, growth, and healing in their own lives.

My life is no longer about my job. My life is about my contribution to the world as my whole self. Sometimes it’s messy and ugly. Sometimes it’s clean and beautiful.

But it can always be truly me.

Onward and upward!

 


Thanks for reading!!! I love to hear back from readers. What do you think about this topic? Have you had similar experiences? What helped you the most? Please comment below!


*I do not make any money off of this blog. I don’t get any kickbacks from products or books I write about. Just sharing the love!

A New Month, A New Chapter

Since July 1st, I’m down 15.1 pounds.

Yes, that .1 of a pound matters to me!

I wanted to lose 20 pounds by today but 15.1 it is! I’ve become pretty specific with my eating protocol but I will continue to see where I can adjust to further my mission. I’ve lost a quarter of a pound per day on average and I would be A-OK with that rate until I’m at my ideal weight.

What is the saying? A quarter pounder a day keeps the doctor away? Sounds good to me!

This month in my Self-Coaching Scholars program, is about “How To Get It Done” and we are to choose a specific goal that is measureable and will blow our own minds by the end of the month. Since I’m already on the weight loss train and have a regular monthly goal, I wanted to pick something hard that I’ve never been able to do before in order to blow my own damn mind.

Here it is. A daily meditation/yoga practice. Yes, I’ve practiced both meditation and yoga for years but never consistently, and certainly not daily. The more I read books about self-development, and even business development, the more I’m learning how important a daily meditation or quiet time routine is to our mental and physical health. I’ve “known” this for years but have never truly applied it. If by the end of this month I’ve implemented a daily practice I will be blown away.

I want to be someone that commits to a practice and makes no excuses. How do I become that kind of person? I just do it. I get up and do it every single day. Even with all the BS I want to tell myself about how hard it is and how I deserve to be lazy sometimes.  

I deserve to give myself the gift of this practice.

Since I’m not focusing on a hardcore workout regimen at this point in my weight loss path, I’m excited for yoga because it moves my body without a harsh bootcamp or a ton of gym bros in my face. I have visions of going through a yoga teacher training in my future but I want to make sure I can be consistent with my own practice first and this is the month I’m going to prove that to myself. 

Yoga and meditation are not only a great time to heal my own mind and body but I also plan to use it as a specific time to pray for the world. I would love to see more of us do this and watch how powerful all of our focused energy and attention on healing can be.

The mind is the most powerful tool in the world. 

So here’s to a new chapter at the start of a new month! Happy September!

 


Thanks for reading!!! I love to hear back from readers. What do you think about this topic? Have you had similar experiences? What helped you the most? Please comment below!


*I do not make any money off of this blog. I don’t get any kickbacks from products or books I write about. Just sharing the love!