The Four Parts of a Relationship

In a relationship between two people, there are at least four parts. 

1) What they think of themselves
2) What they think of you
3) What you think they think of you
4) What you think of you

Most of the time we think that #3 is a fact, not our thoughts. We can base a whole relationship on what we think the other person is thinking, when in fact there is literally no way to ever know, unless you’re a mind reader. Even when people tell you what they think of you, you would never know if it’s actually true. 

So, if what we think of another person is the whole relationship, why not choose to believe awesome stuff? 

I could decide that the clerk at the store really likes me but she is having a bad day. We would actually be great friends. Versus, thinking about how rude she was to me and most likely being rude back to her. 

Or, when a family member doesn’t call as often as we would like, or ever, we can decide they don’t love us or we can decide that they love us the most AND they’re not able to be as present in our lives as much as would we hope. 

We make all kinds of assumptions based on words and actions of another person. I know you’re thinking of the worst right now, “What if someone is beating you? Would you still think they love you?” Don’t get me wrong, in no way am I saying to not ever have boundaries in a relationship and just make believe of a fairytale situation or be the martyr. An alternative to believing you are a victim of the relationship is that you could believe that you are awesome, powerful, independent, etc. and they are confused. That you are 100% lovable and worthy NO MATTER WHAT anyone else does or says. 

How does that belief feel in your body?

How would you respond to the people in your life when you came from a place of love, contentment, and confidence? How would you show up as the loving person you are? 

For those who want to write me and say that this would be “delusional”, if we can’t possibly know what someone is thinking, we are making up a story either way, right? So, why not write a story that is empowering? 

Beliefs Systems and Relationships

People get confused when we talk about belief systems along with thoughts, patterns, etc. People think belief systems are just about religion or faith.


When I talk about belief systems, I’m talking about a collection of thoughts that you’ve thought over and over and over again until it’s the only way you see things. Most likely beliefs taught to you by your own family, friends, the church, society, etc. from the time you were a tiny tot.


For example, think about what you believe a romantic relationship is all about? Why do we “fall in love” with other humans? What is the role of a partner? What should they do, say, believe?


All of your answers are your thoughts about relationships. They make up your belief system about relationships.


They are not facts.


This is where a lot of us get into trouble. We suffer when we believe something should be a certain way, a partner should act a certain way, or that we should feel a certain way all of the time in a relationship.


When we compare and think, “Well so-and-so looks so happy in her relationship ALL THE TIME, and I don’t, this must not be the right relationship.” We start to suffer BIG TIME.


The beliefs are not lining up with the circumstances.


But what if we can turn those thoughts around? What if we decided to believe something different? “I can create my own satisfaction, fulfillment, and joy without trying to control my partner.”


Then we can allow both of us to be who we are and just love each other simply because love is the best feeling, and we can feel it on purpose!


What are your belief systems in relationships?

The stuff people don’t like to post on social media…

Being pregnant with a flood of hormones has been rough for me mentally/emotionally. I don’t have a ton of physical symptoms like terrible nausea or vomiting but my brain sure does like to play tricks on me. I thought for sure that with all of my thought work and training that this would be easy. Ha!  Add on top of a new pregnancy, planning a wedding within two months, some major changes at work, finishing coach training and trying to launch a business, etc. Whew!

Everyone has stress, I’m not complaining, just offering that all of the pictures and posts on social media don’t always paint the most accurate picture of what it’s like to be pregnant and married for the first time. It’s not all rainbows and butterflies.


My brain has offered up thoughts like…


What did I do? I’m not ready for all of this. 


Did I make a mistake? Can we really take this on all at once?


I’m not energetic enough for all of this. I’m surely going to fail myself and everyone else. 


What if I lose my job too and I don’t have enough to cover everything? 


I don’t have enough time or money to do everything I want to do this year. 


My body was already too big and now it’s getting bigger. I have more acne now than ever in my life. I’m disgusting. 


I’m not going to be the perfect mom I’ve always wanted to be. 


I want to have a natural birth but what if I can’t handle it? I will be embarrassed if I have to have drugs or a c-section. 

I can’t tell anyone about any of my problems because it will seem like I’m complaining and not thankful for all of these gifts. People will judge me.


Now, obviously, these are thoughts that can come and go in a second. Sometimes, I have just one of these that I will truly believe and let it ruin my day or be the catalyst for a fight with my husband. Sometimes, my brain lets one of these thoughts out of the vault and I’m seriously shocked that I could think that because I really would never choose to believe it. 


When I do believe one of these thoughts they create certain emotions, i.e. fear, anxiety, sadness, anger, grief. Those emotions are not driving positive actions that would be beneficial to my circumstances. I intellectually know this by looking at myself from the outside, but sometimes I’m not able to see it right away and I get stuck in the spin cycle of negative thoughts. 


This is all okay. Having thoughts and emotions is normal. My brain is just trying to protect me from harm, unknowns, and all the scary stuff “out there”. 


I know that I can allow these thoughts and emotions come up and release them. I don’t need to keep them as my little pet, rethinking the thoughts so much that they become beliefs.

After I thank my brain for trying to protect me, I can say, now, let’s see what we would really like to believe. 


Here’s what I’m offering my brain instead:


I’m exactly the mother I am meant to be. 


Everything happens in the time it needs to. There is no rush to complete any project. 


I am always provided for. 


My husband loves me the way I am in this very moment. 


My body is strong and can handle much more than I think. 


Taking drugs for pain during labor or having a c-section are okay if that’s what I end up needing. Many babies are born in many ways and end up just fine. 


My body will recover in exactly the process it needs to. 


Everyone is rooting for me and I cannot fail anyone.


Failure is growth if you keep going. 


Just keep going. 

A Lesson In The Illusion of Anxiety

“What if” and “should” type of thoughts came in and created a full blown anxiety attack last night…why?

Because as I create more and more amazing things in my life my ancient instincts are trying to protect me from getting hurt so the brain comes up with “what if” and presents some terrible possible outcome.

Or I’m thinking of too many possible positive outcomes and become overwhelmed of having to do so many things and thinking I “should” be better, faster, or more perfect at something.

The seemingly protective worry causes so much suffering. The first step isn’t just stop thinking about it (try telling someone that who is having an anxiety attack) but to let it all come out.

For me, that means a lot of tears. This time, instead of medicating myself with food, alcohol or Netflix, I cried. I talked it out. I let it all flow.

Then the waves passed and I asked myself if this came up from fear of success. If by reaching new levels, peeling back old layers, I’m discovering residue from old hurt. Pretty much! Thanks, Brain!

I then could begin to think rationally. The illusion faded and I could then decide what I would rather think instead of the anxiety causing thoughts.

Everything will be okay.

I can do anything I want, I am worthy of it all.

I am prepared for whatever may come.

I have the tools to overcome all possibilities.

Worrisome thoughts pretend to be productive and important. It’s an illusion that we can control the future by overthinking. We can use these thoughts as lessons and move on, not let them spin us further and further into darker depths.

Happy Tuesday!

The Beginning of the Middle!

Last week I started a life coach certification training that I believe will provide me with the tools I need to personally transform my body, mind, and soul passion journey, to create the entrepreneurial business of my dreams, AND to teach others how to do the same.
I’m incredibly excited!!
The last year and a half I’ve studied and worked hard on my self in the Self-Coaching Scholars program, with The Life Coach School, and it has completely changed my life. In the Fall of 2016, I knew that in order to become the life coach, the wife and mother, the physically fit and emotionally strong Emily that was born to be, I had to open up my brain, examine my thoughts and decide exactly what I want to think and believe instead, then follow through with the massive action required. I learned so many tools that helped me coach myself and I cannot imagine my life had I not learned them. Life before was grey and getting darker. Now, there is so much light and love that even in the darker moments of life, I’m able to shift back within minutes, hours or the day and not turn that into a month-long binge on food, alcohol, shopping, gossip, and ultimately depression.
I get to create this life whether I’m conscious of it or not so why not be 100% conscious and create something amazing? What am I believing about this? What have I been taught that I actually don’t need to believe anymore? Question everything. Everything!
I’m practicing new thoughts that will produce emotions that fuel the actions that will produce the results I’ve been dreaming of my whole life. 
One of those thoughts is: “For the next six months I am learning the best tools for integrative life coaching, and entrepreneurship, that will make me the best coach I can be.”
Stay tuned for updates on what I’m learning as I plan to share everything I can along the way, on this blog and social media. Whether that’s just personal revelations or actual tools you and other people can use to better all of our lives.
I am SO excited to be sharing this new journey with you. Please comment or send me a private message if you have any questions or need help. I will be practice coaching for free over the next three months.
Love and light, my friends!!
Q&A:
Did you quit your new job??
Nope! I still work in People Operations at JASK and LOVE IT. I get to do this coach training in the evenings, outside of work, which is super awesome.
What is “integrative life coaching”?
As a Licensed Massage Therapist, Reiki practitioner, and believer in the connection between mind, body, and soul, it only makes sense that I would not only coach people with their minds but also connect what’s coming up in their body and energy to what they’re thinking and feeling.
I will use all of my knowledge and tools I’ve learned over the past decade of studying self-help, massage therapy, energy work, the meta-physical, and the Spirit, to help every person who is attracted to this work.
The practical applications of this work will vary from client to client including, massage therapy and reiki sessions, workshops, retreats, phone and video calls, worksheets, journal pages, diet, exercise, videos, and maybe even a podcast. 😉
What does coaching look like?
A life coach holds up a “mirror” to show you your own thoughts and guides you to find the answers to the problems on your own. As a teacher, I can teach tools and concepts, but coaching is personal to the client. I hold non-judgmental space for clients which is where we can dig up all the thoughts that have created the results we don’t want so that we can choose whether we want to keep thinking them or not. It’s always a choice.
What coach training did you enroll in?
Integrative Life Coach Training with Kim Guillory, a Certified Life Coach through the Life Coach School. Kim is awesome and is ON POINT with what she is doing and I totally believe in her training. It’s exactly what I’ve been hoping for this year.
What is Self-Coaching Scholars?
An amazing program for folks who are ready and willing to invest time, money, and energy on themselves!